


Psychadelic Butterfly

by Cornerofmadness



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Historical, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-06
Updated: 2011-05-06
Packaged: 2017-10-19 01:25:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/195343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cornerofmadness/pseuds/Cornerofmadness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spike and Dru get more than they bargain for when they crash Ethan and Ripper’s magic party</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer** All characters belong to Joss Whedon et al except for Gavin, Telyn and Marta which are figments of my overfertile imagination. Thanks to Joss for letting us play in his world
> 
>  ** **Timeline/Spoilers** None, this is set in 1975**
> 
>  **Warning** magical (temporary) genderswitch, vampires being vampires, and oh yeah, I kill off one of the Monty Python crew  
>  **Author’s Note** This was done in response to a challenge just so you know I'm NOT entirely responsible for this bit of silliness!!! Thanks to Crimson Fuchsia for issuing the challenge that spawned this and thanks to evil_little_dog for all the editing.
> 
> The one lyric and few lines of Monty Python and the Holy Grail are from the Steve Miller Band and Monty Python respectively. The poetry quoted here is from John Donne. The Monty Python skit is The Pet Shop from Season 1. The Lumber Jack Song, Sit on my Face and The Penis Song are also the property of Monty Python. For those of you way too young to remember Space 1999 (and hence catch the inside joke) it was a Gerry Anderson production in the mid-70s in which both Martin Landau and Barbara Bain (Juliet's parents) starred. (and no, Ms Bain is not the hot character Spike was referring to)  
> 1975

Chapter One

Spike's nose flared drinking in the scents of London. Some would say it wasn't a good thing to do but it was the smell of home. It had been a long time since he and Dru had been in England. It felt good. His feet found street after street, taking him to his old haunts as if he had never left. What could be more right than strolling his hometown with the love of his unlife on his arm?

Dru was uncharacteristically quiet but that didn't matter. He wasn't in the mood for chatter. He simply wanted to soak it all in. She was beautiful with a white gypsy head cover over her grown, which dripped two pearls onto her pale forehead. Her dress was equally ethereal white with angel sleeves of chiffon and lace that almost swept the ground. She was his angel. And he was her devil in his black leather, spiked bleached hair, silver jewelry and the rocker eyeliner she had painted on him.

Unfortunately, it wasn't all fun and games. He had come back for business. An old acquaintance of his, Gavin Davies, Spike didn't know exactly what kind of demon he was but he appeared utterly human unless there was need for his magics. It never bothered Spike overly much as to what Gavin was. He liked Gavin's fair attitude when it came to sharing in the bounty.

It took a little doing to find the club. Spike didn't share Gavin's taste in music and had never been there before. Finally he found it. Jazz music pumped out of the place. At least it wasn't disco. He couldn't have handled that.

 

Dru slid her hand into his. He gave it a reassuring squeeze. He wished he knew what was up with her. She seemed clingy like a child, almost afraid. He knew she liked Gavin well enough and the nice thing about that was Gavin had no interest in Dru. Usually Spike didn't like dealing with poofs but Gavin had two things going for him. He had never made a pass at Spike. Gavin had a self professed taste for the girly men, and his ventures, while risky, had generated a lot of money for them over the years.

He saw Gavin waiting at a table in the far corner, an unhappy look on his long lean face. Spike figured it was because he wanted to be closer to the stage and the wailing sax played by an effete blond that was to Gavin's tastes. But that wasn't a place to do business. Gavin made him slightly nervous in his brightly striped jumpsuit and glittered platform shoes. His bright copper curls were cut in a shag, giving him a rooster like appearance. David Bowie would be proud of this glam brother.

Gavin's grey eyes lit up as Spike tossed himself onto a chair. Dru sat on Spike's lap, still unusually quiet. Maybe she had a vision. Usually she told him, but if it was particularly disturbing, she might not want to face it.

"Spike, Drusilla, so glad you could make it," Gavin said. "Can I order you up a pint?"

"Good man. Dru, pet, would you like something to drink?" Spike asked and she just shook her head, her dark curls spilling over her face.

"You look so sad, Drusilla," Gavin said, waving for a waitress. "I'll get you something to cheer you up."

Dru looked at the stage. She studied the lanky long-haired sax player and the young enthusiastic musicians with him. A threnody spilled out of the gold.

"You like that sax?" Gavin asked, following her gaze.

Dru's head lolled against Spike's chest. A beatific smile graced her face. Beautiful as a cemetery under a full moon.

"I know what you mean." Gavin glanced up at the waitress who looked long and leggy in her platform shoes. "Two Newcastle Browns and an asti spumante for the lady."

"You said you had a bit of business for me, Gavin," Spike said as the waitress moved off.  
Gavin pouted. "All business, no time for a little fun with old friends, Spike?" he scolded.

Spike spread his hands. "Just curious is all."

"What would you like to find most in the world magic-wise?" Gavin asked, his green eyes bright and happy.

Spike thought for a moment. There were so many things he wanted. There was a mirror that was said to reflect vampires. He'd love that as a gift for Dru. But there was something he wanted most of all. The Gem of Amara.

"Most likely a fable." Gavin waved him off. "How about the Salisbury Basket?"

Spike's brow creased. "And that's not a fable?"

Gavin's thin lips twitched almost into a smile. "Think on it, Spike. You put anything into that basket and it duplicates it. You put in a knife and get back two. Put in a pint of O neg and get two."

"Put in a hundred quid." A wicked grin split Spike's gaunt face. "Yeah, I like the idea but what makes you think it exists?"

"The same thing that makes you think the Gem of Amara is real and more importantly I know a group of wankers who have a line on it." Gavin tugged at one of his curly red locks as the waitress arrived with their drinks.

"Do tell." Spike knocked a good part of his pint of ale back in one long swallow as the sax player launched into _Blues in the Night._

Dru sipped her asti spumante and giggled, resting her head against Spike's shoulder. "Tickles."

"I thought you'd like that, Drusilla. Its sweeter than champagne and I thought you'd be able to taste it better," Gavin said, reaching over and patting her hand.

Spike gave him a grateful look. He appreciated the platonic friendship Gavin extended to Dru. "Thanks."

"It's all bright and sunny like the first days of summer," Dru said, poking a finger at the bubbles in her glass.

"Well, that's perked her up." Gavin gave them a big open grin. "As for the blokes with a line on the basket, they're a group of magic users, not a traditional coven though. They mostly do a lot of drugs, have sex with their magic groupies and they do some flashy magic to draw in a crowd."

"So? Groups like this have been all the rage this past decade and most of it is bollocks," Spike said, playing with Dru's long straight hair.

"No argument but these blighters are for real. Its not all glitzy magick to impress the stupid and easy. They do some real magic and some of its very dark," Gavin said.

"Anything we'd be interested in?" Spike finished his ale. He could think of a lot of bad magic he'd like to spread around.

"Probably. Way I hear it, they've even done a little demon summoning." A hint of evil gleamed in his eyes. "The best part is one of them is a Watcher's son."

Spike grinned broadly. "Daddy must be _so_ proud."

"All those secrets," Dru muttered into her champagne glass.

Spike kissed her cheek, giving her a hug. "Good point, ducks. The Watchers have countless secrets and spells enough to make us richer than Croesus on the open market."  
Gavin shook his head. "My sources gave no indication he's likely to turn on them, and before you suggest torturing him, I want no part of it. I'd rather not put a bullseye on my head. I don't want them sending the Slayer after me."

Spike fished out his fags and popped one between his lips. "Fought a Slayer once. Take a guess who lost."

Gavin wagged a delicate finger. "Just leave me out of it, but I suppose that we could always just ask him. I could be wrong. He might be able to be bought."

"We'll see. So, how did you find out about this basket?" Spike asked as Dru squirmed distractingly on his lap.

"I have a source in their group, two actually. One of which is my sister," Gavin replied.  
"Lucky you." Spike shifted Dru a bit before the way she was wiggling overexcited him. He wasn't opposed to public sex but he was trying to do a little business tonight.

Gavin gave him a slightly suspicious look. "Actually Telyn doesn’t like me so what little she tells me is just to taunt me."

"So your second source is spying on your sister. Brilliant." Spike laughed.

"I thought so." Gavin patted Dru's hand again. "Drusilla, you're looking tired. Would you like to go home? I'm not planning to go look for the basket until two days from now."

"What happens then?" Spike asked, cradling Dru closer.

"They're having a big party. That'll be a good time to give it a try. They'll be off their guard. There'll be a crowd and they're all likely to be drunk, high or both." Gavin smiled.

"Great. I'd take Dru home if we had one. Not sure yet where we'll be bunking down." Spike's nose wrinkled as he bit down on his cigarette.

"I've taken care of that. Want me to take you there now?" Gavin asked.

"Yeah. It was a long boat trip here. Dru and I could use a little bed time, couldn't we pet?"

She smiled vacantly. "My Spike knows best."

Spike got up and set her down. She stayed tucked into his side as they followed Gavin along the dark streets. He led them to a rather shabby apartment house, a subdivided old house more than anything. He handed Spike two keys on a ring.

"The round one is for the front door," Gavin said then led them through the crooked hallway to a flat in the back. "The other is for this door."

Spike opened it revealing a furnished flat. He seemed slightly surprised to be able to step across the threshold without a problem. "Killed the owners?"

Gavin cocked up a feathery eyebrow. "You vampires and racking up high body counts. No killing. I rented it legally. It's yours. It's a cramped little place with few windows so it was cheap, but I figured it was far more amenable than a crypt and less public than a hotel room."

Spike slapped Gavin's back. "You're an all right bloke sometimes, Gavin".

Gavin shrugged his lean shoulders."I figure that I need you on the top of your game so it's worth the money. I'll take it out of your cut of whatever else we get up to besides the basket."

Spike snorted. "I'm sure you will."

"I'll let you settle in and hook up with you tomorrow night," Gavin said. "Fair night, Drusilla. He kissed her cheek and she ducked her head shyly. Spike didn't begrudge him the kiss. He liked people treating Dru like the princess he felt she was and Gavin was not competition so what did it hurt?

"I'll call you tomorrow and Spike, I _love_ the eyeliner." Gavin pointed at the black make-up Dru had applied to complete the rocker look.

Spike scowled making a breaking motion with a hand slash above his belt line. "Don't step over the line."

Gavin laughed and left, shutting the door behind him.

Spike smoothed Dru's hair. "Whats wrong, love? You're not usually so quiet."

Dru shook him off and headed into the tiny bedroom. The furnished room possessed a small bed that sagged a bit and a battered wardrobe with an upright mirror sprouting from it like a mushroom. The small window wore a ratty dark curtain that effectively cut what little light could find this corner of the world. The bedroom walls were sage green which beat the kitchen's burnt orange hands down. Dru flopped onto the bed.

"Just tired," she said.

Spike gave her a disbelieving look then lugged the wardrobe over so the mirror further blocked the window. He climbed into the bed beside her. "I think it's more than that, pet." He massaged the small of her back. "You can tell me anything."

Dru's blue eyes searched his face. "It's written in the night clouds."

"What is, love?"

"This is going to be bad for you. I see dark magics changing things from one side of the coin to the other. I see your rage and it's like ice in my bones." She trembled as she spoke.

Spike kissed her. "I'll never be angry with you. You're my light, Drusilla. Nothing's going to change that. I'm not afraid of magic."

A pout touched Dru's lips. "I know. Bad things," she insisted. "Like the stars in the sky changing to moons."

"I believe you, poodle but I can take care of myself." He ran a hand up her leg and under her skirt, tenderly caressing her. I can drive all these gloomy thoughts from your mind," he promised.

Dru smiled weakly, knowing she'd never convince him of the danger she saw. She didn't tell him the change wasn't permanent. Let him find out on his own if he wouldn't listen. Sometimes her boy needed to be taught painful lessons. This was one such time. She snaked her arms around his neck, pulling him down and kissing him hungrily.


	2. Purple Haze

Chapter 2: Purple Haze

"They call me the Space Cowboy," Ethan crooned along badly with the Steve Miller Band record playing in the background. He sprawled in a chair situated around a large circular table in his flat.

"No, they don't," Philip shot back as he passed the bong down the circle.

"And you don't get your lovin' on the run, or any other way for that matter," Giles said, holding his hand out for the bong.

Ethan wrinkled his hawkish nose at him. "Very funny, Ripper."

"Deirdre, why do we hang out with these losers?' Telyn asked, brushing back her blazing red hair.

"They have their uses," Deirdre said, patting Thomas' leg. She gave him a suggestive look that bounced off the shield of pot smoke he had around him.

Telyn was the newcomer to the little band of mages. She found them entertaining and dangerous which made them delicious. Sometimes they had dubious judgment such as summoning Eyghon on a regular basis. Everyone in the room tonight bore his tattoo except her and Marta. For mortals, they were amusing. She had two current favorites, Ethan Rayne and Ripper Giles, mostly because they were powerful and they were just so darn cute in their competition for her affections. Right now Ripper was winning the race mostly because he was intelligent and lacked Ethan's overwhelming ego. He was just interesting enough that she might choose Ethan because it would be a shame for Ripper to meet the end her lovers usually did.

At any rate, they were the undisputed leaders of this group of merry men. Thomas Sutcliff was just a bit too weak, riding on the shirttails of his more powerful friends. Philip Henry seemed to be in it for the fun of it and Telyn suspected Deirdre Page was merely looking for something exciting and dangerous; something that beat going to University and studying dreadfully dull stuff that her family no doubt had planned for her. There were other hangers-on, especially during any summoning of Eyghon since Deirdre might be easy, but she was no substitution for a good bacchanalia.

"Will you come with me to the party tomorrow, Telyn?" Ethan asked, brushing back his long brown hair. He fixed his gaze on her in a way that made her slightly uncomfortable.   
"I've already told you, Ethan, it's just a party. I'll be there but I'm not with anyone." Telyn stretched out, wishing the pot would actually affect her. She'd like to honestly feel the happiness that enveloped her companions rather than just mimic their silliness. She watched Ripper shoot Ethan a superior look. Yes, he definitely had prettier eyes than Ethan, so clear and blue.

"Why don't you ask her to the benefit party, too, and get shot down again," Marta Dalton, one of the more regular hangers-on asked and Ethan shot her the two-fingered salute.

"Same deal goes for that," Telyn said, studying the stucco walls. The raised sections were green and the valleys bright silver making for an interesting effect.

"I can't believe were even going to that potty party," Ethan said. "Who gives a toss about Monty Python?"

"I do", Telyn said, delighting in the upset look on Ethan's gaunt face.

"And it's for a good cause," Deirdre added. She got up to get a few more beers for everyone. She made it as far as the beanbag chair and collapsed with a giggle.

"Besides, I thought the new film was brilliant," Giles said, stumbling up to put on another album on his stereo system.

Telyn found that utterly amusing about mortal teens. They might have to go hungry for lack of money but they’d find a way to have a great sound system. Hendrix's Purple Haze blasted out of the speakers after Giles set the needle to the vinyl. Telyn grinned. He looked delicious in his tight bellbottoms.

Giles head-butted Phillip in the chest. "It's just a flesh wound!"

"Stop that!" Philip cried, doing his best imitation of Graham Chapman doing King Arthur.

Ethan rolled his eyes. "Anything to impress the birds, Ripper. If Telyn said she liked chewing glass you’d be raving about it."

"Don't get shirty with me, you git," Giles said, running his hands back over his head, his wheat brown hair flowing with the motion. Telyn liked the way it brushed his belt.

"You two aren't going to start up again," Thomas groaned.

"No, they aren't," Telyn said, with a pointed look. The competition could get a bit tiring.

"Yes, get serious you two. We need to decide what spell were going to cast at the party tomorrow. Nigel's group is not going to upstage us again," Philip said, his pale face darkening at the thought of their last humiliation.

"No accidentally conjuring up zombie dogs this time," Giles said, shooting a glance at Thomas who choked on the deep breath he was pulling in from the bong. An uncomfortable silence settled over the room as they remembered Ripper's rage when that had happened.

"I'm thinking of a mass transmogrification spell," Ethan said finally.

" Right-o but lets make it a decent animal. If we get stuck I don't want to be a rat or something," Deirdre said with a shiver.

"I was thinking more along the lines of a Hinklem demon. They have wings. It would be fun to fly," Ethan said. A wicked look set on his face. It should have been a warning to his friends but they paid it no heed.

"That's a bit adventuresome for a first time. Maybe we should try for a cat or a dog," Giles said.

"You are just an old woman, aren't you, Ripper?" Ethan sneered and Giles flipped him off.

"I think he might have a good idea," Telyn said, almost regretting the openly hostile look Ethan gave Giles as a result but she didn't want to lose these guys to a spell; at least not until she had first pick of the powerful.

"Thank you. Oh, and I do have something special for you tomorrow at the party, Telyn." Giles smiled seductively at Telyn.

"Yeah, probably something really small." Ethan winged his Zippo at Giles' crotch for emphasis.

Giles caught the lighter before it hit, but before he could retaliate Thomas clamped a hand on him. Giles shoved Thomas irritably.

"Well," Philip said quickly before they could get to fighting, "If we're going to do this I suggest we start practicing, and one of us should stay human just in case we do get stuck. Well need someone to undo the spell."

"Yeah but which of us?" Thomas asked.

"Maybe you, Thomas. Ethan and Ripper are the best casters. They should change," Marta said.

"I think one of them should stay human for the same reason," Deirdre argued.

"I'll stay human," Giles said.

"Scared, Ripper?" Ethan's lip curled.

Giles sneered back, letting a stream of smoke trickle past his lips. "You wish, Ethan."

Telyn listened disinterestedly as they bickered back and forth. She was still trying to decide which one she wanted. Ethan had the brashness to make him open for anything but sitting there in his rugby shirt he looked scrawny. Ripper, on the other hand, was in better shape. She could see the definition of his chest through the open neck of his shimmering polyester purple paisley shirt. A sprinkle of honey-hued hair peeked through the opening of the shirt. Ah, the choice. Why make them when you could have both, she decided with satisfaction.


	3. Times are a-changing

Chapter 3: Times are a-changing

"I feel silly. Miss Edith's laughing." Dru pouted, kicking her heels as she sat on their bed.

"You're beautiful." Spike had insisted on Dru's outfit. She preferred dress clothing at all times. That wouldn't fly in a party of teen-agers. "We have to fit in. I love you in this. Could you be more beautiful?" He ran a hand over the exposed flesh of her back. It was a hot night so he had put her in a lavender and black halter top, hip-hugging bell bottom jeans and platform shoes to match the halter. He pressed his lips to the cool skin of her shoulder. Dru let her head fall back as he nuzzled her neck. Spike wanted to undress her and lie her down. Dru in casual clothing was such a rarity it had him incredibly turned on. If he didn't stop now, he wouldn't stop, period.

"All changing from one side to the other. Just look." She indicated her outfit. "All wrong."

Spike rooted through the stuff Gavin had purchased for them along with the wardrobe and came up with some Kissing Potion lip-gloss. "It'll be fine. You couldn't be lovelier. Do you think I want to be in combat boots, a Ted Nugent T-shirt, corduroys and puka beads? All right, I like the boots but still. I feel like an idiot but we need to look like we're teen-agers or close enough to it so as not to seem out of place at this party," Spike said, applying the gloss to her pouting lips. He kissed her quick then wiggled the bottle of Kissing Potion in front of her eyes. "See, sweetie, it works. Cherry Smash." He kissed her again, feeling her lips pulling into a smile under him.

"One side of the coin to the other", she whispered.

"You worry too much my ripe, wicked plum," he said, kissing her between each word of her pet name.

"Are you two still at it?" Gavin asked, strolling into the room. He, like Spike, had dressed down for the party; no glam for him, no eyeliner for Spike.

"Dru's not real happy at the moment. I don't think she likes her outfit."

Gavin gave her a critical once over. "You look fantastic. Spike will be beating men away from you all night. Just hopefully not too hard. No killing, not until we have that basket." He wagged a finger at Spike.

"I gave you my word." Spike figured he could keep that one since he wanted a share in that basket and it made sense to refrain from drawing attention to themselves.

"No one hears the whispers of the clouds. They do not care." Dru flopped back on the bed.

Spike grabbed her hands and hauled her up. "Drusilla, pet, I heard your warnings but you never said it was going to happen at the party. How do we know it won't happen if I stay here tonight?" Spike asked.

Dru pushed out her shiny lower lip as she considered it. "I tried to see but the night clouds keep getting in the way."

"It's all right, Dru. We can get through anything," Spike assured her.

Her blue eyes turned to slate. She knew he was humoring her and she didn't appreciate it. "All right but if it happens, cry to Miss Edith, not me."

"That’s a girl. Lay down the law." Gavin grinned, patting her bare shoulder.

Spike grimaced, slugging Gavin's gold polyester clad arm. "Don't encourage her, Gavin."

"Keep this boy in line," Dru, Gavin replied, shoving Spike away with ease.

"Easy to do." She cocked her head, giving Gavin a superior smile.

Gavin fluffed his red curls, mirroring her grin. "No doubt since he does most of his thinking with the little head."

"Don't be vulgar in front of Dru," Spike snarled, his pale face morphing just for emphasis.

Gavin just laughed and headed for the car. "And don't let my sister see us. You won't like what happens if she does."

"Oh lovely."

XXX

"A book of poetry? Ripper, that’s pathetic," Ethan said, plucking the book from Giles' hand as the other man pulled the door shut on his bedroom. That was the one thing Giles didn't like about having parties at his, Ethan and Philip's flat; people invading his privacy. "John Donne? Let me guess, this is your surprise for Telyn."

"Give it back, Ethan." Giles tried snag the book and failed. "Telyn said Donne was one of her favorites."

Ethan snorted, ticking a finger on the puka beads his friend wore. "So you decided to read her a few poems."

"Why not? Romance is an art at which you need to do some serious studying," Giles replied, "Now give me the bloody book."

"Ripper, a little help here. We're having trouble with the keg," someone shouted.

"Bloody hell!" Giles snarled, stomping off.

Ethan caressed the cover of the book thoughtfully and headed back into his room with it. He cast a spell on the book. Grinning broadly, he headed back into the living room that was already getting packed with people, mages and hangers-on alike. He waved the cursed poetry book over his head and pointed to it so Ripper could see him setting it on a coffee table. He hoped his grin was one of friendship and didn't tip Ripper off. "Read away, Ripper," he said, then spotted Telyn and headed her way.

XXX

Spike took a drag on his cigarette. Getting invited into the large flat was easy enough and the party was exciting. He hadn't been there five minutes when he had received two hits of acid that he passed on and an offer of a blowjob guaranteed to leave his legs shaking. He'd go find that girl later if he could.

Gavin had suggested that they split up and keep their ears open for hints of the basket. He had pointed out his sister so they could avoid her, which should be easy to do in a room packed with people and at least three different kinds of smoke. Dru was in the corner surrounded by three obviously horny men. She had allowed herself to be forced onto a beanbag chair, which was hard to get out of fast if she needed to.

He debated rescuing her, not so much that Dru needed it. He didn't quite trust her not to have a little playtime with them. She might find them alluring in their tight bellbottoms. He knew she had her little affairs just like he did. It meant nothing to either of them. But he did get terribly jealous. He couldn't help it. Maybe it was because he loved her so much or maybe because it came from years of competing with Angelus for her affections.   
Spike sprawled in a chair to enjoy a beer and just watch the people, especially Gavin. He didn't quite trust Gavin not to get a hold of the basket and give him and Dru the slip. He only wanted them along for additional muscle or more likely a shield if the mages started flinging spells around.

Spike set his beer on the coffee table. As he did so, a book of John Donne's poems caught his eye. He picked it up and perused it, already bored with his task. He'd been at it most the night, after all, and he knew Gavin had his contact and would likely be the one who found the basket. He could spare a few moments to revisit a favorite of his. He hated to admit he was such a milksop poet-loving poof in his mortal days and worse still part of him continued to love poetry.

"Spike."

Hearing his name drawled out, he looked up and saw Dru standing over him with a wallet in her hand. "Where'd you get that, sweetie?" He held out his hands to her.

She slid onto his lap with a soft hiss as her jeans grated over his corduroys, playing them like a washboard. "From that sweet boy." Dru pointed to a tow-head collapsed on a couch.

He tapped her nose. "You didn't do anything naughty did you Dru?"

She giggled, emptying the wallet of cash then tossed it aside. "Not me. All the sweet blue smoke."

"Yeah, these gits could get all of London high on the amount of pot they're smoking. Sort of glad we don't breathe," Spike said. "Want to hear some poetry, pet?"

Her hands played with those ridiculous beads around his neck as she nipped his chin. He suddenly didn't want to be here anymore or at least he wanted a dark corner they could play in. "Sweet words like honey. Drip them in my ear, my star.'

He kissed her before opening the poetry book to one of his favorites and read Air and Angels.

"Twice or thrice had I lov'd thee,   
Before I knew thy face or name;   
So in a voice, so in a shapeless flame  
Angels affect us oft, and worshipp'd be;  
Still when, to where thou wert, I came,  
Some lovely glorious nothing I did see.   
But since my soul, whose child love is,   
Takes limbs of flesh, and else could nothing do,   
More subtle than the parent is   
Love must not be, but take a body too;   
And therefore what thou wert, and who,   
I bid Love ask, and now  
That it assume thy body, I allow,  
And fix itself in thy lip, eye, and brow."

As Spike read on he felt something tickle inside him like static electricity. Frowning he finished the poem and set the book aside.

"Lovely my dark prince." She fluttered kisses across his brow. "Read another."

Spike shook his head, feeling odd, like when he was mortal and he knew he was about to vomit. His insides felt twitchy. "We better get back to listening for clues," he said as something exploded.

The temperature in the room dropped rapidly; even the vampires could sense it. A soft moan started and slowly grew to a cacophony of pain that rattle the flat. Ghosts of all types swirled through the building. Dru jumped off Spike's lap and swayed to Led Zeppelins music with the ghosts. Her arms waved overhead at the apparitions, making a counterpoint to her hips.

A lean young man whose afro made a prodigious halo around his head jumped up on a table. "A ghost bomb! Instantaneous hauntings. Beat that!"

"Bloody hell! Nigel, get these things out of my flat," Giles screamed, swatting at a female ghost who swirled too near him.

"You're such a great magician, you do it," Nigel shot back.

"You wanker. They're tearing up my bedroom," Ethan growled.

"Better yours than mine," Giles muttered as Ethan started a counter spell.

Spike watched as the ghosts started winking out of existence. The weird feeling inside him was getting worse, nearly painful. The young man pissed off about the ghost invasion was headed his way. He reached around Spike and picked up the poetry book. Spike raised an eyebrow at the black tattoo on the inside of the youths wiry bicep. He knew the mark and respected the amount of skill it took to summon a demon of that sort and hold him inside. These guys must throw some wild sex parties. How he wished that tonight had been orgy night, given all the lovely ladies around, rather than weird magical showdown party night.

"Been looking for this," Giles muttered, scanning the room. "Oh, Telyn. There you are."   
Spike watched him go then winced. There was definite pain in his chest now. He looked around to find Gavin. He saw him trying to steady a raven-haired girl who was climbing onto the table Nigel had vacated.

"Our turn," she said swaying. She managed an incantation with a few friends. The walls dissolved into a mass of pulsating whirling colors like psychedelia come to life and moving with the music. "Cool huh? Totally audio-sensitive. Put on some Pink Floyd!"

A terrible pain lanced through Spike, staggering him. Dru kept him upright. Worry shot across her heart-shaped face.

"Spike?" The worry tinged her voice.

"Something’s wrong, Dru." That came out more panicked than he would have liked.   
"It's happening. One side of the coin to the other." Her face went to flint. "I warned you."

"I know, pet. Get Gavin," Spike said, staggering toward the door if he could find it through the new funky moving walls. The doorways had gotten into the act and no longer resembled doors in the slightest.

He felt hands on him and looked over into Gavin's concerned face. The pain spread to his groin and his knees buckled. Gavin caught him and dragged him through a doorway shaped like large red lips.

"I don't think this is outside," Spike gasped.

Gavin flicked on a light, illuminating a couple making out on the bed. They looked at the demonic trio, shrugged and went back to their lovemaking.

"Don't mind us," Gavin said, forcing Spike to move with Dru's help. They went through another doorway, this one resembling labial folds and found themselves in another bedroom, packed with records and books practically from floor to ceiling in some spots. Well, at least the books were stacked high. The records were carefully arranged in boxes. There was a black light lamp on the dresser and a lava lamp on the bed stand. A delicate glass pipe perched beside it with a few blocks of something brown next to it. They let Spike fall onto the bed.

"What’s wrong?" Gavin asked.

"A spell," Spike said, rolling face down on the bed. It smelled like the mage with the tattoo. It must be his room.

"A stray from the party?" Gavin asked, trying to roll Spike over. The vampire balled up like an armadillo.

"Don't know."

"My sister’s here. Maybe she spotted me and something meant for me bounced and hit you," Gavin suggested, looking over at Dru. She stood there watching passively as if she'd expected this. There was a subtle expression of glee on her face. Gavin swore to himself he’d never make Spike's mistake of ignoring her visions.

Spike muffled a scream in the bedding as a pain like someone skinning his chest spread like acid. "If it is, I'll kill you both!" He gritted his teeth, kicking his feet. "Feels like its tearing my bollocks off. Stop it!"

"I don't know what it is, let alone how to stop it," Gavin said.

"Changing now." Dru clapped, enjoying the lesson her boy was learning. She picked up the glass pipe, put a block of brown resin in it and lit it.

"Yeah, Dru, we know. You've said it a hundred bloody times now!" Spike snarled and she whimpered nearly dropping the pipe.

Then suddenly as it came the pain went. Spike took several deep breaths out of an old and unnecessary reflex. "It's over. Thanks Gavin."

"I didn't do anything. Maybe the spell fizzled out. It might not work on vampires." Gavin took the hashish from Dru and puffed.

Spike sat up. Something felt very off. His chest bounced. His chest never did that. He ran a hand over his torso to rub out any residual pain then froze. He glanced down and under his shirt, now very tight, were two rather pendulous breasts.

"Fuck me!" He tore his shirt off, desperately wanting a mirror that could reflect him. He stared down at a rather lovely pair of pearl white breasts, D cup if he knew his breast sizes and he did. He pinched a shell pink nipple and it hurt. It wasn't an illusion. "Bloody hell! What is this?"

All changed, Dru said with a slightly satisfied look on her face. She plucked the pipe away from Gavin and went to stare at the lava lamp. Spike knew he’d be hearing about not listening to her visions for days.

Spike put his hand between his legs. Unlike his over-stuffed shirt, his pants felt oddly empty. He felt along the pant leg he usually tucked himself down but there was no familiar feel of flesh. "No, no, no, no!"" he muttered, jumping up, tearing at his belt. He frantically wriggled his pants and underwear down to his knees. He almost couldn't bring himself to look but when he did all he saw was a thatch of pale wiry hair and no signs of testicles or penis. "Oh hell. They’re gone!"

"Um Spike, I dare say you've turned into a woman," Gavin said, hiding a smile behind his hand.

"On the other side of the coin now," Dru said. She flicked one of his breasts with her painted nail and turned on the black light, dancing to the music pouring in from the other room.

"I don't want to be on the other side." Spike flopped onto the bed, his pants still around his knees. His voice sounded strange in his ear, high-pitched and unfamiliar. "I don't want to be a woman! This can't be happening."

"I think it already has," Gavin said. He smothered a guffaw.

"I am going to find the wanker who did this to me and I'm going to kill them slowly. I’ll peel his lips off!" Spike roared, his face morphing into his vampiric visage.

"Spike, take it easy," Gavin said, his green eyes going wide. He took up a defensive stance, not ready for Spike to blow their cover.

"Take it easy? I just lost my best friend and you tell me to take it easy?" Spike popped back off the bed.

Gavin bowled him backwards onto the mattress, sitting on his chest. Spike couldn't believe the strength holding him down. "You can't go out there with your vampire face on. They'll panic and start whipping worse magic at us," Gavin said.

"Worse than this?" Spike asked, wiggling under Gavin.

"You're a woman. We'll find a way to reverse it. You piss off that crew and you'll be dead," Gavin said, pinning Spike more firmly.

"Listen to him, Spike. The coin will flip again". Dru sat on the bed with him, looking disappointed at the empty pipe. She set it back on the bed stand, the glass rimmed with the oily brown remains.

Spike's face went back to human. "You better be right, Dru."

"You know this is the first time I've ever been on top of a woman." Gavin grinned down at Spike.

"You still haven’t been. Get off me!" Spike started struggling again.

Gavin let him up and Spike redressed.

"How ugly a woman am I?"

"I don't look at women like that. I guess You're sort of pretty, but your cheeks are too hollow. You need to put on some weight," Gavin said.

"Oh stuff it. I need to find out who did this to me."

"Maybe we should just go. Those guys are going to just going to get higher and more dangerous. None of them are in any shape to tell us how to reverse the spell. With your luck they'll accidentally make it permanent. I'll talk to Marta tomorrow and she'll know who did this...maybe," Gavin said. He gave Spike an apologetic shrug.

"I don't want to be a woman a moment longer," Spike whined, stomping his foot. He stared down at himself as the motion made his breasts ripple.

"Sun will rise soon, Spike. We can't stay long," Dru said, tugging on his arm.

"This is insufferable. Typical, isn't it? It always has to bloody happen to me! Why is that?" Spike tried to flatten his new chest, unused to the way it bobbled around.

"Just lucky I guess." Gavin led them back out.

Spike took a deep breath, not used to having men look at him and some were with undisguised desire. He felt exposed and if not for his strength he'd be afraid. In addition to the moving psychedelic walls, gossamer creatures were winging around the apartment. Spike stopped dead, seeing the guy with the poetry book kissing a pretty redhead.

"Don't stop here. That’s my sister. You can't let her see us," Gavin said, hurrying on.   
"That blighter, he had the poetry book. I started feeling funny as soon as I read from it. He's the one. He did this to me!" Spike growled, trying to go back. Gavin nearly pulled him off his feet.

"You don't know that and you can't kill him. Hell, my sister might do it for you the way they're going at it. Sort of a black widow, she is."

"Oh no! I want him for myself. Where the fuck's the door out of this loony bin? Spike grumbled as Gavin propelled him along.

"I have no idea. We'll ask them." Gavin pointed at the keg and the crowd beside it.

He parked Spike next to a gaunt young man who was busy studying the redhead and poetry man. Dru held Spike in place while Gavin questioned an Asian girl for the fastest way through the magic and out of the flat.

"Look at those two." The gaunt man stabbed a hand at the couple. "I could have sworn Ripper read from the book. Wonder what went wrong." He looked over at Spike and Dru and grinned. "Hi. I'm Ethan. I don't think I know you two." He ran a hand up Spike's arm.   
Dru jerked Spike's other arm, keeping him in line. Spike glared at her. He recognized the lust in the young mans eyes and wanted to snap his neck for him.

"We're leaving now," Spike said.

"Too bad. Be sure to join us at the Monty Python benefit tomorrow," Ethan said, reaching down to feel up Spike before heading off.

Spike's jaw dropped, too stunned to move. He distinctly heard Dru giggle. Gavin turned back to him.

"What's wrong?" The redheaded demon asked.

"He...he... That bloody tosser groped me!" Spike stammered.

Gavin stepped back, looked at Spike's rear and said, "I don't see why. You don't have an ass."

Dru giggled louder. "Not like he hasn't done it himself to countless women."

Spike's glare heated up. "Don't enjoy this so much Dru."

"Next time, listen to your woman's warnings."

"Shut your gob, Gavin. This is your fault. Get me out of here!"

Gavin walked to a wall and waved. "These guys have such a weird sense of humor," he said as a magical tempest whipped up in the living room. "Get this. We have to click our heels and say there's no place like home."

Spike whirled and would have stalked back if not for Dru. "That’s it! I'm killing them all!"

"Hush, Spikette," Gavin said then hurriedly uttered the magic words and ran through before Spike could clobber him.

Spike grumbled all the way home. Gavin left them at their flat with the promise of helping to find the spell caster tomorrow. Spike suggested the gaunt guy who groped him might have something to do with it since he was expecting something to happen with that book. He knew he should have just killed Ethan the moment his hand touched him.   
Spike went into his bedroom and stripped. He sat on the bed and looked up at Dru. She was grinning at him. "This isn't funny."

"I told my sweet Spike but he wouldn't listen. Now he has to see life on this side of the coin for a while." Dru danced through the crowded room with Miss Edith.

"Give it a rest, pet and come to bed." He patted the mattress. "The sun's almost up."

Dru climbed in next to him. Spike rolled over and went to kiss her then flopped back.

"This just feels so wrong."

"At least you don't have to look at it," Dru shot back.

"You aren't making it any easier, pet."

"Why should I? You didn't listen to your princess. I told you, if something happened, cry to Miss Edith. She's the only one listening," Dru said, rolling onto her side, facing away from him.

Spike snorted. "Thanks for being supportive." He flopped onto his stomach then back onto his side with a little moan. "That hurt. How do you sleep with these things?"

Dru reached back and slapped him. "Shut up and rest."

"Like that's bloody going to happen."

Dru had no response. Spike lay there staring at the ceiling. It was going to be a long day.


	4. I Am Woman

Chapter 4: "I Am Woman"

Spike wasn't sure what time it was when he woke up but the sun was still in the sky. He heard Dru in the darkened living room. He had trouble sleeping most of the day, understandably. He dragged out of bed and took what was a very weird shower. The body under his washcloth was totally unfamiliar to him. He was dying to know how he looked. He'd have Dru take a photo except he didn't want to remember this ever.

It didn't help his masculinity any to find out he was out of his shampoo and had to use Dru's Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific. A flowery scent pouring out of a purple bottle with rainbow printing made matters worse. After he was done, the confusion was even worse. He couldn't exactly put on his usual Brut for Men. What did that leave him with? Dru's Enjoli? 'I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never let you forget you're a man.' How he wished. That was some promise from a perfume. He'd give just about anything to get his penis back at this point.

Dru was sitting on the bed with Miss Edith when he stumbled into the bedroom. Her cool eyes raked over him. "What would Angelus say?"

Spike screwed his eyes shut. He’d give anything to never hear that name pass Dru's lips again. "Don't start, Dru."

Dru lifted her chin defiantly. "Daddy always listened to my visions. He knew to trust me."

"Dru," Spike moaned, flopping naked on the bed.

"Gavin is coming with all sorts of pretties for the party tonight. It'll be such fun."

"Yeah, great. He'd better have a name for me," Spike said, playing with his breast, feeling the nipple harden under his touch.

"Dru slapped his hand. Stop that! Miss Edith is ashamed of you." She got up and put the doll on the dresser facing away from him.

"What?" He looked at her bewildered. She pointed at his chest. "It's a novelty. Dru. It's like I can't keep my hands off of them. How do you do it?"

Dru rolled her eyes. "Still a man on the inside."

A sneer kissed his lips." Damn straight." Spike softened a bit. "Dru, pet, can you leave me alone for a few minutes?"

She eyes him suspiciously. "Are you going to be naughty if I do?"

Spike covered his face and sighed. "I just want complete quiet to plot my revenge. Go watch TV. Isn't Coronation Street coming on soon? You like that."

Dru sighed and headed back into the living room, shutting the door behind her. When she was gone, Spike continued the exploration of his new body. He massaged his breasts then slipped a hand between his legs. All the female parts seemed to be there. He gently circled a finger over his new clitoris. His body reacted quickly. The scent of it tickled his nose and the dampness spurred him on.

He had nearly a hundred years of experience bringing Dru to climax this way. An odd pressure built up deep inside him. His hips lifted automatically trying to release that feeling. He slid two fingers along his folds and slipped them inside the cool damp opening.

"Owww!" Spike pulled his hand away. Fuck! Not only am I female, I'm a bloody virgin! Killing the wanker who did this is too good. I'm going to turn him, keep him chained up and torture him for years."

Hearing the front door open, Spike jumped up and flung on jeans. The feel of them against his hypersensitive flesh was terribly distracting but he was embarrassed enough to help deflate the arousal.

"Is he still in there playing with himself, Dru?" Gavin asked.

Still shirtless, Spike flung open the bedroom door. "No, I'm not, you plonker!"

"You ain't exactly dressed are you?" Gavin set down a suitcase he had brought.

Grumbling Spike went to find a shirt. He heard something clicking. "Shit. He squirmed into his shirt and stormed into the living room. Give me that camera!"

What camera? Gavin gave him an innocent look.

"I heard it snapping." Spike slammed a hand down on the back of the couch. His body jiggled making him hate it even more.

"You're paranoid." A grin split his pale face. "Or Polaroid as the case may be."

"Dru," Spike pleaded.

She looked up from the t.v. with a shrug. "No camera."

"He's going to blackmail me, you know," Spike said and she shrugged again. "Fine. I get it. Next time I'll listen. Do you have a name for me, Gavin?"

"'Fraid not. Marta had no clue about it. No one was boasting about a sex change spell but hell, can you imagine how rich that will make them? No more going to Switzerland."

"Focus damn it!" Spike shoved him. "What about the git who pawed me?"

"Ethan Rayne. The one kissing my sister was Ripper Giles. Marta said they’re the best wizards in the lot so it was probably one of them," Gavin replied, flopping on the orange and green flowered velour couch.

"Why do it?" Dru asked.

"Who the hell knows?" Gavin slipped off his Birkenstocks and buried his toes in the orange, gold and green shag carpeting. "With this crew, laughs probably."

"Yeah, fucking hysterical," Spike growled, tossing himself on a trashed striped recliner, whose nauseating hues matched the rest of the decor. "How about the basket?"

"Marta said they don't have it but one of them knows where to find it." Disappointment creased Gavin's pale face.

"So we go to this benefit tonight and squeeze it out of him," Spike said.

"Exactly and do me a favor, Spike," Gavin said.

"Yeah, sure why not?" Spike snorted." I mean this is going great so far. What's one more thing?"

"That's the spirit. No doing anything until after Monty Python are done with their benefit skits. I love them and I want to hear this."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Fine. I could use a laugh."

"Doing all sorts of good works makes us shine like moons." Dru fluffed up her hair. "We need to shine every so often."

"Yippee, charity work. You'd never know we're demons." Spike got up." Let's go."

"Not dressed like that," Gavin said. "We need to change."

"What's wrong with how I'm dressed?"

"It's a benefit. It's not black tie but raggedy jeans and a leather jacket isn't going to cut it. I brought you some dresses and boots. Hopefully they fit. I'm a good judge of what woman's shoe will fit on a man's foot but you have such big feet for a little man, Spike."

"Watch it!" Spike shoved Gavin.   
"It's true. You're barely taller than Dru. I don't know how those breast don't topple you."   
Spike growled wordlessly.

"Dru, help him change and I'll get ready myself," Gavin said.

The vampires disappeared back into the bedroom. Gavin slipped into an electric blue satin body suit with silver platforms boots and wide sequined belt.

"Shit!"

Rolling his eyes, Gavin went in to see what was wrong with Spike this time.   
"How do women wear these things?" Spike waved a pair of pantyhose overhead.

Gavin shrugged. "Dru manages it."

"With nails". She wiggled her brilliant candy apple red nails in Spike's face.

"I can't get them up."

"I used to have a boyfriend with the same problem". Gavin plucked the pantyhose from Spike, got on his knees and started putting the hose on for him. "You're utterly hopeless, you know that."

"This from a ruddy poofter! I can't help it. I'm not a bloody bint." Spike moaned as Gavin's hands slid up his legs. He wished it didn't feel so damn erotic.

"From this angle, I have to disagree," Gavin replied.

"Quit looking." Spike tried to kick but the pantyhose had him trapped.

"Trust me, I could live happily with never seeing that part of a woman," Gavin said.

"There. You can get them the rest of the way up. Who's getting what dress?"

Dru held up the red and green sequined plaid skirt with the handkerchief hem and crocheted lace black crop top. "Mine. All bright like Christmas morning."

"What does that leave me?" Spike asked.

"The gypsy outfit," Gavin said. "You'll get to wear the fun boots."

"Oh, great." Dru handed him a bra and Spike looked at it as if it were from another planet. "What? "

"Put it on," she instructed.

"Bollocks." Spike fumbled with the catches. He was used to removing bras not putting them on. "Hell, this is very uncomfortable."

"I know," Dru said, slithering into the skirt.

"What’s this wire thing inside it for?" Spike fiddled with his under wire.

"Support."

"Where's the dress?" Spike put his hands on the small of his back trying to crack it. "I think that spell did more to me than the obvious. My back hurts."

"That's normal," Dru said, pulling on her shirt.

"Normal? You're kidding? Breasts make your back hurt?" Spike stared at his lover, stunned.

"All part of being the earth mother, my pet, being one with the tides and the moon," Dru replied, swaying as if caught in those tides.

"Being a woman rots." Spike picked up the gauzy dress. "How many layers are on this thing?"

"Oh for hell's sake just pull it over your head," Gavin said, his patience eroding.

Grumbling under his breath, Spike pulled it on. The burgundy material was soft and sensual to him. Dru belonged in this and he could imagine her shimmying out of it a bit at a time. That wet feeling between his legs started plaguing him again at the mere thought of Dru's striptease and his pantyhose wasn't helping with the dampness.

"Here you go." Gavin handed him a black vest.

"What now?" Spike groaned.

"Dru help him."

She put the vest on and pulled the strings tight. The little bells on the drawstrings jingled as she tightened it under his breasts.

"Dru, it hurts. I can't do this. Something is jabbing me!"

She stomped her foot at him then reached around and undid his bra through the cloth. "Take it off."

"How? I feel like a sausage!" Spike felt the tears of frustration building in his eyes but he'd be damned if he cried in front of Gavin.

"You used to love my corset and petticoats." Dru slipped a hand inside his neckline and slid a strap off his shoulder and down the angel sleeve of his blouse. He followed suit on the other side and Dru pulled the bra free.

He whistled, impressed. "Neat trick."

"Here's the cry baby's sash," Gavin said, handing it to Dru.

"Watch who you're calling a cry baby," Spike snarled as Dru tied the bell laden sash around his narrow waist.

Gavin ignored him, dragging out two sets of boots from the suitcase. Dru snatched up the knee-high black vinyl platform boots with bright paisley hearts on them. Spike looked at the remaining boots, leather thigh-high black witch's boots with three-inch stiletto heels.

"What the hell are those?" He stabbed a pale finger at them.

"They complete the outfit," Gavin replied.

Spike shook his head frantically. "How am I supposed to walk in heels?"

"Just think of it as a chance to be tall," Gavin shot back and Spike punched him. Gavin wasn't fazed. Spike really had to wonder what Gavin was to ignore a shot like that.

"I'm going to fall and snap my neck."

"So long as you don't fall on any pesky pieces of wood you'll be fine," Dru said, doing a little catwalk for Gavin who made appreciative noises.

Spike shot a glare her way and struggled into the boots. "If I have to wear these boots, why did I need panty hose?"

"For the fun of it all, love." Gavin winked at him.

"Bloody hell."

"Oh, quit grousing," Dru said.

They stood Spike up off the bed and Dru showed him how to walk in his heels. Spike wasn't very good at it. He kept turning his ankles then got mad and tried to tromp around. They made his back, neck and knees ache. He had a new appreciation for Dru. When she was finally satisfied, she kissed him lightly.

"Dru, Spike, look here."

They turned and Gavin snapped a picture. He waved his hands and the camera disappeared again.

"You are so dead," Spike growled. He tried to run and nearly killed himself.

"Like to see you try, Princess. Lets go."

"Gavin, this basket thing had better make me rich if I have to go through all of this," Spike said as Dru slid a charm bracelet on her dainty wrist.

"It will. Hmmm, you have a bad hair-do for this outfit. Too short," Gavin said, studying Spike.

"I am not wearing a wig. Live with it. Do we need tickets or something to get in?" Spike asked.

"Taken care of," Gavin said, leading the way out to his car.


	5. It's an ex-parrot

Chapter 5: "It's an ex-parrot!"

Spike held Dru upright lest she tumbled from her chair laughing so hard. He was doing little better himself. He was actually glad Gavin had managed tickets for this benefit party. The mages they were shadowing were sitting a good distance from them but that would change once the skits were over and the bar opened for business. The Monty Python performers were giving him something to think about other than his newfound womanhood. He was laughing so much that if he actually needed to breathe, he'd probably be in pain.

C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?

C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)

O: There, he moved!

C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

O: I never!!

C: Yes, you did!

O: I never, never did anything...

C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

C: STUNNED?!?

O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

O: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

O: No no! 'E's pining!

C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!He's f*ckin' snuffed it!..... THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

Spike howled through the skits until a song ended it for him. He almost crushed a glass in his hand when the performers started singing,   
_  
"Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?  
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?  
It's swell to have a stiffy.  
It's divine to own a dick,  
From the tiniest little tadger  
To the world's biggest prick.  
So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.  
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,  
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,  
Your Percy, or your cock.  
You can wrap it up in ribbons.  
You can slip it in your sock,  
But don't take it out in public,  
Or they will stick you in the dock,  
And you won't come back." _

It did not help his mood in the least that Gavin and Drusilla went into hysterics over it and he could have done without them pointing and giggling at him. His soured mood remained until the performance was done and John Cleese to center stage.

"I want to thank you all for coming tonight. We had a great time performing for you and everyone hopefully has their complimentary tickets to go see our new movie, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but tonight is about more than shameless self-promotion."

Cleese paused for the obligatory applause." It's about helping our countrymen. As we all know the Birmingham Six and the Guilford Four were convicted of the combined deaths of nearly thirty people in last year's pub bombings." Cleese paused again for the uneasy rumblings in the crowd. The ten people who were recently convicted because of their IRA ties as the terrorists responsible had quite a lot of sympathy even among the English who weren't wholly convinced of their guilt. They only knew someone had to pay for the terrorism. "All the money raised by your ticket purchases and from the cash bar tonight goes to the families of the victims, many of whom are suffering some dire straits."

Another pause for sympathetic murmuring. "So drink hearty. And so not to end on a bad note, well give you another song before the dancing starts. The lads and I will be around to sign autographs for those who like that sort of thing," Cleese said and they launched into The Lumberjack Song.

"Come on, they're heading for the bar," Gavin said, getting up.

"Gavin, have you see your sister?" Spike asked, wobbling a bit after being off his heels for so long.

"No, she's not here," Gavin replied. His red eyebrows crept together like caterpillars. "Curious that."

"Planning darkness, pulling web strings all around us," Dru said, stumbling a bit, as her eyes went vacant seeing beyond the room.

Spike caught her, pulling her close. He brushed back her lovely hair. "What are you seeing, pet?"

Dru rubbed her face. "Not enough. Things aren't as they seem."

"There's an understatement, love." Spike had to refrain from kissing her, not ready to be stared at for being a lesbian. He glanced around the room they had been shuttled into with its bar at the far side and the spacious dance floor in front of him. Finally he spotted someone he wanted desperately to kill. "See that scrawny git over there, Dru? Go see talk to him, see what he knows about this spell."

Dru looked at Ethan and his bright orange and yellow plaid suit and his fiercely orange turtleneck and stuck her tongue out. "Can't you?"

"I have to talk to that one." Spike pointed to the young man in a red and green plaid suit waiting for a beer at the bar.

"But I match him. We'll mesh and merge and all will be known," Dru said, patting her plaid skirt.

"There'll be no merging of anything with anyone, Dru," Spike warned and frowned. "And I can't talk to that Ethan blighter because he can't keep his hands off of me."

"That will make it easier for you," Dru argued. She stared at her mood ring with remained stubbornly black due to her lack of heat. "Why does it not show my many many moods?"

"You're cold, love. Maybe Ethan can warm you up," Gavin said and Dru gagged.

"Dru, pet, please, for me. You don't have to let him touch you, just talk to him," Spike wheedled.

Dru pulled a face. "Very well."

"She's out to make you suffer for blowing off her warning," Gavin said, heading through the crowd to where Giles was waiting on his beer.

"I know. How does Dru stand to be in heels all the time? This is miserable," Spike moaned.

Gavin shrugged. "Women are tougher than men."

"I'm beginning to understand that." Spike pushed his hands into the small of his back, stretching. "I'm going to have to do something very special for Dru when I'm back to myself, just because."

"You're such a romantic, Spike."

Spike snorted as he managed to push his way to the bar next to Giles. The young man's eyes were busy giving Gavin's glam get-up a wary once over. Gavin waved a little then pressed to the bar.

Spike rolled his eyes. "I can't take him anywhere."

"He's yours?" Giles asked, flipping back some of his long, feathery hair.

"Good Lord, no!" Spike shuddered.

"She doesn’t have the right equipment," Gavin said then turned to the bartender. "Two pints of Guinness."

"Looks just fine to me," Giles replied, his eyes on Spike's bosom.

Spike pursed his lips. He'd be furious if he wasn't just as guilty of doing that himself. He couldn't count the times he'd be talking to Dru or even Darla and be focusing on their breasts. It wasn't helping that his gauzy blouse clung to his breasts, the nipples pushing out against the fabric. What galled the most was he'd have to play at really being a woman if he wanted to talk to this guy. Spike was beginning to be thankful for his dress. It beat the hell out of all the plaid leisure suits running around, thank you Bay City Rollers. Thanks."

"Did I see you two at our party last night?" Giles asked, his fingers toying with the gold medallion that nestled against his chest hair. His shirt was opened to the navel, keeping him from suffocating under so much polyester. Spike noticed that unlike most Disco medallions this one was actually a powerful amulet.

Spike shook his head." I was there but I don't think we met."

"Do you have a brother?" Giles blue eyes finally flicked up to Spike's face.

"A twin," Spike said and heard Gavin smothering a laugh.

"Maybe it was him then." Giles took out a packet of fags and lit one. Seeing the look on Spike's face, he offered him one and lit it for him. "Did you enjoy the skits?"

"Yeah they were a blast," Spike said, taking a deep drag on his cigarette as Gavin pressed the beer into his hand.

"Weren't you with a red head last night?" Gavin asked.

Giles nodded, reaching out to touch the pale skin of Spike's neck. It took all the vampire had not to freak. "Yeah, Telyn. She couldn't make it tonight. Something came up."

"You don't seem too broken up about it," Gavin said, trying not to grin at Spike's discomfort.

Giles took a swig of his ale. "We're not exactly an exclusive couple and there's plenty here to distract a man." He shot Spike an appreciative look.

Spike tried to smile. At least he hoped it was a smile and not a snarl. He felt like crying or killing, whatever came first.

"I'm not sure she's the poetry type." Gavin put a hand on Spike's shoulder. "You were reading poetry to the red head weren’t you?"

Giles look turned slightly suspicious and Spike realized they weren't dealing with an idiot. He obviously was trying to place them more firmly in his mind. Of course with the type of parties this youth threw it would be hard.

"I think it's romantic," Spike said, aiming for a more dainty draught of his ale than he was used to taking.

A smile touched Giles perfectly-bowed lips. "I thought so. Telyn likes poetry so why not check her favorite poet out of the library?"

"Oh, so it wasn't your book?" Gavin angled to learn more about the book and the spell, hoping he wasn't being too nosey.

"Donne's not really my type. I thought I'd be replacing that book for the library when Ethan got a hold of it. He's not always a fair rival," Giles said, fussing with the sleeve of his jacket.

Spike couldn't fathom why. Polyester couldn't be improved on no matter how much attention it was given. "Oh? Who's Ethan?" Might as well play along, he decided.

Giles pointed past Spike's shoulder with his cigarette. "The one over there talking to a brunette who's too good for him."

Spike looked, expecting to see Dru but was disappointed. He wondered where she had gotten off to. "That's a given just from the look of him."

Giles laughed. "Easy to spot, I know. Can I buy you another ale?"

Spike could drink the whole keg just to wash the last few days from his memory. "Sure it’s for a good cause."

"I'm Ripper, by the way." Giles waved the bartender over.

"I'm Gavin and this is Chastity, but I'm pretty sure it’s a misnomer." Gavin patted Spike's shoulder.

It took all Spike's strength not to clobber the demon. Instead he settled for laughing along with Giles while plotting Gavin's ass-kicking for a more private time.

"If that's the case, you ought to come to our party tomorrow," Giles said, his fingers traveling down Spike's arm.

Spike froze, knowing he couldn't kill this man yet, not without his cure. "Another one?"

Giles shrugged. "Different kind. Not full of..." he trailed off to see if anyone appeared to be listening in. "Magic," he added in a whisper.

"There'll be some, um, mood enhancers, right?" Gavin asked.

Giles nodded. "Plenty of those". He handed Spike a beer, giving his hand a little squeeze as he did. "Wow, your hands are really cold."

"Cold hands, warm heart," Spike said quickly, seeing that suspicious look returning. A mage could easily know what a vampire was. He preferred to remain stake-free. "Thanks for the beer."

"You're welcome."

"So more poetry reading tomorrow then?" Spike asked, smiling. Was he alluring or just scary?

"Let's just say more of what comes after the romantic foreplay, lots more," Giles replied with another speculative look at Spike's cleavage.

"Will I have to be worrying about your friend?" Spike asked, jerking a thumb back at Ethan's last location.

"Ethan? Who knows? I was really expecting something to happen to me after he had that book, I don't mind telling you," Giles said. "Frat boy mentality all the way."

"No booby traps?" Gavin asked and Spike tromped on his toes.

"No one was more surprised than me. Kind of made me feel bad about misjudging my friend for about a second or two." Giles snorted. "Would you like to dance, Chastity?"

Spike looked at the partiers dancing to the awful disco beat. He didn't feel like being lost in a tidal wave of sweaty bodies and polyester. "Maybe later. I'm sort of wondering where one of my girlfriends got off to. I really should go look for her."

"I know what you mean. Deirdre ran off to get everyone's autograph. Ethan and I will probably catch up to her sometime next week," Giles said, running a hand through his hair.

"Hey Ripper," a young man called out, coming up to them with the Asian girl from the party.

"Hey Thomas, Nami. Meet Gavin and Chastity," Giles said.

"Hi," Thomas said, holding onto Nami who looked a little drunk already.

She giggled and waved then started singing, "Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me. I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too. I love to hear you oralize, when I'm between your thighs; you blow me away!"

Giles and Thomas joined in with, "Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you.’Ill sit on your face and let my love be truly. Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine, and we'll sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play, Till we're blown away!"

"Come on. Let's party," Nami said, tugging on Giles arm.

"Sure. Well, if I don't run into you later for that dance do be sure to come to our party tomorrow. It's guaranteed to expand your horizons," Giles said, giving Spike's hand another squeeze before heading in Ethan’s direction.

Spike shook his hand as if trying to rid it of something disgusting. "Damn."

"I bet that's not all he's interested in expanding." Gavin couldn't hold in the laugh.

"No kidding. I need a shower with Comet and steel wool!" Spike shuddered.

Gavin snorted. "Oh, as if you haven't been more disgusting with strange women in your life."

Spike tugged on his belled sash. "Don't remind me."

"Bet Ripper'd let you sit on his face." Gavin grinned.

Spike chewed through the filter on his cigarette. "Not happening."

"You'll enjoy it Chastity." Gavin jumped out of easy strike range.   
"Chastity? I can't believe you called me Chastity!" Spike pushed through the crowd trying to spot Dru.

"It was the first thing that popped into mind. Can't have a woman named Spike."

"Why the hell not?"

Gavin ignored him, his head craning to follow the path of a delicate-looking blond young man.

Spike punched his arm. "Focus, Gavin."

"Why? Let's have a little fun." Gavin said, still watching the man's backside.

"We're not here to have fun. We're here to get a cure for me and to find that basket," Spike grumbled, not about to go through the pain of losing his new maiden's head to some horny demon-summoning mage. Turning down sex, Spike never thought he would ever do that.

"Well, I don't see Marta around to talk to her about the basket and you know who cast that spell," Gavin said.

"Yeah, Ripper's best buddy. That book was booby-trapped. What a sneaky way of making sure you get the girl. Turn your rival into one himself. Lucky me, I had to open the book first. Damn it all," Spike growled.

"Just flow with it Spike. Gavin gave Spike's shoulder a friendly shake. You know who did it. You can beat the counter spell out of Ethan later. Have a little fun with this."

"And what do you suggest?" Spike stared angrily at the wall of the alcove the crowd had herded him and Gavin into. He didn't see an easy spot to break back into the flow of traffic.

"Come on, Spike. Go give your hairy growler a little tickle. That boy would probably take you around the world if you said you were interested." Gavin struggled to keep a straight face.

Spike growled, barely able to maintain his human look. "Have you gone insane? Why would I let a guy calling himself Ripper get a leg over on me?"

"Well, for one he's fairly attractive, nice ass. Think, Spike. You have a unique opportunity here. You can experience what its like to be the opposite sex, fully and truly. Why waste it? Let him take a poke." Gavin said, appearing quite sincere which made Spike even more nervous.

Spike bristled, forcing his way back into the main dance hall. "I will not. I don't care what I look like. I'm not a woman."

"Afraid you might like it?"

Spike glared. "Not bloody likely. Get this straight, nobody is crossing that border. I have absolutely no attraction to men at all despite what this body looks like." He had had conversations like this with Angelus. His little family had been kinky. He liked that about them but ever so often Angelus threatened Spike with making him a woman to keep him in line. Spike was never sure if Angelus would try since he otherwise showed no signs of liking men. Spike was also unsure who would have won that battle had his grand sire tried it.

Gavin grunted. "Hope Dru's open to lesbian sex then."

"Die."

"You really should be nice to Ripper." Gavin fluffed his fiery curls. "Let him shag you and you can pay him back by turning him?"

"How many times do I have to say it, no bloody way? It's always going to be no, no matter how drunk or high he thinks he's going to get me. What would I want with turning him anyhow?" Spike said then a thoughtful look settled on his face. "Then again, a vampire with strong magical powers would be an asset."

"Exactly. And that’s the Watchers son. Imagine what he knows."

Spike pursed his lips. "Now you tell me"

"So, you going to pole dance for him?" Gavin let the wide grin blossom this time.

"Quit with that." Spike slapped him when what he really wanted to do was pull his companion's tongue out and wear it as a tie. "No pole dancing but I might just turn him. Where the hell's Dru?"

"Probably decided Ethan was too slimy to talk to and ran."

"We'd better find her."

As they searched the crowd without luck, they ran back into Giles and a strawberry blonde who looked a little disappointed.

"Hi again, this is Deirdre. She'll be at the party tomorrow. Deirdre, this is Gavin and Chastity," Giles said.

"Nice to meet you. I have to go see if Cleese came back inside. I didn't get his autograph yet. Someone said they thought they saw him slipping away from the building with a little tramp in sequined plaid," Deirdre moaned.

Spike and Gavin exchanged looks.

"Haven't seen him, sorry. Gotta run," Spike said.

"Hope to see you tomorrow," Giles said as Spike started plowing through the crowds.   
He and Gavin broke through to the outside and started searching the little park around the building. They saw two shadows amongst the trees in the moon light and hurried that way. When they got close enough they saw Dru embracing a tall lanky man who was on his knees, his lips pressed to her wrist. He was still almost taller than the petite vampire.   
"Oh hell. Dru, pet, what are you doing?" Spike asked. He was all for killing and mayhem but killing a celebrity was more exposure than he wanted at this point.

"I think she killed John Cleese," Gavin said.

Dru looked over her shoulder at them, shoving Cleese's body aside. His blood-ringed lips hit the loam. "He made me laugh and soar. I want to keep him forever."

"Oh great. Just what the world needs, a comedian vampire," Spike grumbled. "Let's go, Dru. We don't want to be here when they find the body."

Dru pouted. "But I want to keep him."

"We'll find him when it's time for him to revive. Let’s go before we have to kill a lot of people to get away," Spike said.

"You used to like killing." Dru gave him a wounded look.

"I still like killing, pet, but this isn't the time for it. I'm not having to flee London until I am a man again."

Dru relented and they headed back for the building. They saw Giles and his friends leaving in a hurry, packing into a VW bus.

"What's up with that"? Spike said. "They look like they're on alert."

"I have no idea. I'll contact Marta tomorrow. Maybe it has to do with whatever detained my sister," Gavin said.

"I don't want to spend another night as a woman," Spike whined piteously.

"I don't think that can be helped."

"Bloody hell!"


	6. The Bacchanalia

Chapter 6: The Bacchanalia

Spike woke up feeling incredibly horny. It was a different feeling compared to his usual horniness but he knew the sensation. Dru was nowhere to be seen. He wasn't sure what he would do with her anyhow. Gavin had a point. Would he even know what to do as a woman? Would Dru be interested in a homosexual romp? He had wondered from time to time about her and Darla but dismissed the idea. Darla didn't like Dru well enough. He couldn't imagine them wanting to be intimate. And if they had, Angelus would have wanted to watch and Spike would have heard about it in great bragging detail.

He went out into the living room wearing only underpants; he wasn't used to the idea of needing a bra. Dru sat on the floor studying a spread of tarot cards before her. The telly was on loud, showing Doctor Who. Spike didn't know what Dru saw in the show.

He reached down and massaged her shoulders. She rested her head back against him, brushing against his crotch. That familiar motion made his arousal increase a hundred fold. It was uncomfortable, feeling damp and cave-like. He could smell his arousal. It was embarrassing. Did Dru feel like this when she looked at him?

If he could blush he would have as he knelt down, wrapping his arms around Dru. He rested his chin on her crown. "What are you doing, poodle?"

"Looking at all the bugs caught in the web."

"Gavin's sister, you mean?" He massaged her back and reached around to caress her breasts.

Dru moaned, thrusting herself back against him. "The cards won't talk." She slapped the design, flipping cards everywhere.

"It's all right, baby. It’s all right." Maybe if she turned off that insipid Tom Baker with that ridiculous scarf, she could concentrate but Spike didn't voice this thought.

He kissed her gently. Dru turned in his arms to wrap her willowy limbs around him. The kiss deepened. Dru's hand brushed the soft cotton of his underpants, creating a small flood. Spike pushed away with a throaty groan.

"I can't do this."

He rolled to his feet and stormed into the bedroom. He slammed the door so hard it splintered. Spike threw himself into a cold shower, scrubbing frantically. Orgasms weren't supposed to dribble coldly down the insides of ones thighs. It made him feel dirty. How could something like that make Dru scream with such joy?

Feeling weaker with each lather up, he collapsed down and huddled up over his knees. Water cascaded over his back, mirroring the tears that poured down his face. When Spike had cried himself out he got out of the shower, threw on a robe and went back into the living room. Dru had moved her tarot cards to a different section of the floor and Gavin had arrived with his suitcase again. Spike dreaded what was inside. Doctor Who had been replaced by Space 1999 on the telly.

"Sorry, Dru," Spike said softly. Her blue eyes came up and met his. "It's nothing, my love. Look here. The betrayer." Dru pointed to the Empress card lying over the King of Wands.

"Gavin's sister?"

"She's drawing us in. All we have been told is wrong." She tapped the Tower card. "But in the end we will win and the coins will flip again."

"What about the fellow with all the swords sticking out of his back? That looks bad," Spike said.

Dru stroked the card, a dreamy look in her eyes. "That's your past."

"Yeah, swords all right."

"I imagine Spike is getting desperate for his sword back," Gavin said, making jacking off motions.

"You have no idea. Did you find out about last night?" Spike sat on the couch with Gavin.

"Marta didn't know why Telyn didn't show at the benefit but she was the reason they left. She got word to them they were in danger and needed to get out of there. Telyn didn't tell them what the danger was so we're still good as far as I can tell," Gavin replied.

"Good because as soon as it's dark I'm settling this with Ethan." Spike said, bobbling one of his bare breasts. "Is the party still on for tonight?"

"Yes."

Spike grimaced, his hand straying back to his chest. Getting up from the floor, Dru came over and slapped him and he let his hand flop onto the couch. "Damn, I was hoping to catch him alone or at least without a huge group in the way."

"Sorry. You can separate him from the herd. Just shake your ta-tas at him —he'll follow you anywhere." Gavin said, whacking Spike in the chest with a couch pillow.

"Stop that!" Spike crossed his arms over his ample breasts. "And yes I guess I can."

"Stop what? From what I understand those boys are good fucks. You’ll enjoy yourself," Gavin said.

Spike looked over his shoulder, reaching back for Dru. Her fingers almost intertwined when he changed his mind. He couldn't handle touching her. "Dru, he keeps encouraging me to take this body for a test run with a man."

"It'll do you good, Spike, to know what it feels like to be a woman under a man. That way you can better know how to please Dru," Gavin said, also looking back at her.

Spike slugged him in the stomach. "I'm going to kill you, you know that."

"You can try." Gavin rubbed his belly. "And look at Dru's face. She's liking the idea."

Spike glanced over at Dru whose generous mouth was pulled into a wide smile. Spike's jaw slowly dropped. "Drusilla!"

She giggled and nipped his neck.

"If you two are going to play let me get my movie camera. I have Super 8 to burn," Gavin said.

"You're such a pervert," Gavin, Spike said.

"You're just figuring it out?" Gavin rolled his eyes. "You really are blond."

Spike tried to go after him but Dru held him down.

"Look at the strange scary pictures." Dru pointed to the television. "This show is disturbing like bitter tea. That man is so odd-looking." She nodded at Martin Landau.

"He's pug ugly. So what? Maya's hot, at least. I mean she's no Emma Peel but she's cute," Spike said then sighed. Mrs. Peel, God Diana Riggs was deadly in those cat suits.

"Now we know why Spike likes this show," Gavin said and Dru nodded unhappily.

"Let's just get a move on," Spike muttered.

"You planning on putting on more than underpants? Granted you'll be more naked than this if those boys get what they want but I'm not driving you through London nude. I brought you presents." Gavin prodded is suitcase.

Spike growled almost cat-like. "Oh, great what now? Another Stevie Nicks outfit?”

Gavin pulled out a piece of denim and winged it to Spike. "Short shorts."

Spike held up the barely there shorts. "I'm not wearing hot pants."

"I knew you'd say that, so I brought these." Gavin took out some slacks. "For Dru and you." He handed Dru the bright ruby satin pants. Spike's pair was gold.

"This leaves nothing to the imagination," Spike moaned.

"You're going to an orgy, Spike. You have to look available." Gavin patted the vampire's head.

Spike ducked away. "Oh, I think well have no worries in this get up."

Spike and Dru dressed in the satin pants and lace halter tops, black for him, white for Dru. Matching platform sandals went with the ensembles.

"This is skin tight," Spike said, looking over his shoulder trying to see his ass.

"Yes, but that's the point," Gavin replied.

Spike sighed and set Dru down as she brought out a palette of Coty smudge pots, lipsticks and polish. He started putting on her make-up.

"One more thing, Spike. I have this for you." Gavin came up behind Spike and settled something on his head.

Dru burst out laughing, slumping over on the couch. Spike loved seeing her so happy. He just wished she weren't laughing at him.

"What did you do to me?"

"Improved you."

Spike snatched the wig off his head and flung it at Gavin. "Farrah hair?"

"You look like a man in drag with your short hairdo," Gavin argued, putting the wig back on Spike.

"You mean your usual type," Spike shot back, tossing the wig across the room.

"Exactly. The Farrah wig's an improvement."

"No way in hell. Those wankers found me attractive enough as is," Spike said, nearly poking Dru in the eye with a mascara brush. She bit his hand.

Gavin pouted. "You're no fun, Spike."

"This isn't funny," he snarled and went back to making Dru even more beautiful.

She finished his make-up as well and put glitter polish on his nails while Gavin told them of the uproar in England when John Cleese's murdered body had been found outside the benefit hall. Dru babbled happily about all the things they could do when the comedian rose again. When she was done she spritzed Spike with Loves Baby Soft perfume.

"What? I'm not good enough for Enjoli?" He smiled gently and she patted his head.

"You're not even good enough for what she did waste on you," Gavin said, playing with his love beads.

"I am going to pay you back for all of this." Spike promised his face going vampiric.

Gavin laughed loudly backing away. "Sorry sorry, it just looks so silly you all bumpy with make-up on. You can always quit, Spike. I can get the basket on my own."

"Not going to happen. Let's go. The sun's gone and I need something to eat before we go to this bloody party," Spike said.

The vampires were sated by the time they reached the flat. They had no trouble getting into the place. If he were still a man, this would be the party of Spike's dreams. There were a few more men he didn't know hanging around and there were at least two dozen women, some of whom had already started the naked portion of the festivities.

"Oh, good, you made it."

Spike recognized the girl hurrying toward them as Deirdre. He didn't know the blond with her. Sounded too good to miss.

"Want something to drink, Gavin?" the blonde asked.

"Thanks, Marta."

"Ooo, darkness. I don't like this. Too much power," Dru said, grabbing Spike's arm with amazing strength.

"Yeah, what is that altar for?" Spike asked, pointing to the corner packed with candles and sigils inscribed all over.

"We're summoning Eyghon. It's Ripper’s turn to host him," Deirdre said, then turned to someone calling her name.

"Eyghon," Spike hissed. "No one said anything about demon summoning. I knew these gits were his but still."

"Afraid Spike?" Gavin whispered.

Spike put a cigarette between his lips to keep from biting his companion. "No, but I'm in no mood to be fighting off a demon-charged pervert. All I want to do is get cured. Where is Ethan?"

"I don't see him," Gavin said.

"You look worried," Giles said, coming over to them, this time dressed in black leather pants and a white shirt. A gleaming gold earring played peek-a-boo with his long hair.

"Just wondering where Ethan was," Spike said.

A frown touched Giles lips." I was hoping you'd forget about him."

"I was hoping to avoid him myself but it's hard to do if you don't know where he might pop out from," Spike replied.

"I need to find him myself so we can get started," Giles said, heading for the bedroom. They followed.

"How about Telyn?" Gavin asked.

"She's here somewhere," Giles said, his hand on the doorknob. "Hey Ethan, come on, we need to get started."

Giles entered the room and inadvertently stepped into a thaumaturgic circle, his foot kicking a hairbrush out of it. He tried to jump back, hearing Ethan uttering a spell. He didn't make it.

"Son of a bitch! Ripper, do you know what..." Ethan roared but the words died out as the mens eyes met.

Ethan grabbed Giles, kissing him with an enthusiasm Spike hadn't seen in ages. Giles wrapped his arms around the thinner young man as they stumbled toward the bed.

"Does oops cover this?" Gavin asked, snickering.

"I hope Ethan is the woman in this relationship, that’s all I have to say," Spike grumbled, leaning against the door jamb to watch the ardent kisses and fumblings.

"Are those two ready yet?" Deirdre asked, heading their way. "Oh my God! Thomas, Phillip, get over here. What happened here?"

Dru picked up the hairbrush. "Hearts and flowers. Love's in the air riding on the power like psychedelic butterflies. Changing from one side to the other."

"What she means, is Ethan was trying to cast a love spell on whoever this hairbrush belonged to," Spike said.

Deirdre looked at the brush, stared at the lip-locked pair on the bed and burst out laughing. She repeated what Spike said for Phillip and Thomas as they ran over to see what she wanted. Phillip had to lean on the wall to keep himself upright he was laughing so hard.

"Should we stop this before it goes too far?" Deirdre asked. Phillips answer was to disappear behind another bedroom door.

"Hey, Ethan wanted a love spell. Let him enjoy it," Thomas said.

"Ripper didn't ask for it and he might just kill us if we don't break that spell before he's entirely naked," Deirdre said.

"I'd love to be a part of that sandwich," Gavin mumbled as Phillip reappeared with a camera. He took several quick shots of the now shirtless couple as Thomas and Deirdre set about breaking the spell.

Bored, Spike wandered off with Dru in tow.

"Should I ask why you have my hair brush?"

Spike looked over at the red head who had spoken to him. "Ethan was using it to aim a love spell at you."

A loud crash distracted them all. Ethan was on his back in the hallway with Ripper on top pummeling him. Phillip and Thomas tried to separate them.

"And it hit Ripper?" she asked, smiling.

"Yeah. Aren’t you Gavin's sister?" Spike asked.

"Yes, and what a shame you two had to let yourselves be associated with him." There was a hint of pain and funerals in her cold smile.

"Get away from them!" Gavin roared.

"So you’re the betrayer," Spike said.

"No, not her, Dru said and spun on heel. That’s the betrayer" She pointed at Marta.

"You bitch!" Marta pulled out a silver wrapped crystal from her pocket and shouted something in Latin.

Dru was lifted off her feet and slammed into a wall.

Spike grabbed Marta by the throat. "You shouldn't have done that."

Before he could morph and tear out her throat, Spike found himself airborne with one slap of Telyn's hand.

"Marta, you idiot, you weren’t supposed to reveal yourself yet," Telyn growled.

Both brawls stirred the drunken revelers. Some screamed and headed for the door. Others just watched as if it was a floorshow. Giles and Ethan stopped their fight. Giles made the mistake of trying to help Spike up. Spike rolled to his feet, nearly twisting an ankle unused to the height of the platform sandals he was wearing. He grabbed Giles.

"I have had enough!" Spike's face went demonic. "I've been remarkably patient. One of you blighters cursed this git's poetry book and it turned me into a woman. All I want is for you wankers to turn me back into a man and I just might not kill you all. Ethan, you’re the one who did it so fix it!"

"You tried to turn me into a woman? Ethan you bastard!" Giles said, trying to kick free of Spike.

"Shit! No one said anything about vampires. And the spell only lasts three days, Ripper. It was just a lark," Ethan said, disappearing into Giles bedroom.

"Fine be that way and run!" Spike flung Giles across the room, knocking him out cold.

"Dru, baby, are you all right?"

"Ready for fun," Dru said, rubbing her head where it hit the wall.

"Gavin, don't just stand there, help me kill a few of these idiots!"

"You have more trouble than you know," Gavin said. "This has all been a trap for me, hasn’t it, Marta? Telyn? There never was any legendary Salisbury Basket. Marta was playing double agent."

"No fucking basket? You mean I've been turned into a bint for nothing!" Spike raged, shoving his way toward where Ethan had fled.

Ethan jumped out, slapping a cross against Spike's face.

Spike shrieked, falling back, smoking. Ethan slithered past him, just as Telyn raised her hands and launched a spell at her brother. Gavin deflected it. Several of the half naked partiers stampeded the front door.

"Deirdre, Phil. Tom, we need a little help," Ethan said. "Oh, good, Ripper's already unconscious. He's ready for Eyghon then."

"Why don't you just make this easy, brother, and just die!" Telyn yelled.

"Why do you want him dead?" Spike asked, poking at the burnt flesh of his face.

"He's a family embarrassment! Imagine being related to a gay incubus! The incubi are supposed to suck the life's breath from women! Women! Our family's the laughing stock of Hell," Telyn snarled.

Gavin winged a fire spell toward her but it fizzled. "How about you, Marta?" he asked as Spike got between the door and panicking party-goers. The vampire started feasting.

"She's going to make me a succubus like her," Marta said, raising her wand again. "Now to activate your little trap, Gavin."

"Uh, uh uh." Dru caught her arm and snapped her jaws over Marta's thin neck. She sucked Marta dry and dropped her. "Ah, sweet, the power ripens in me. I could dine on magic forever and day. I feel like a waterfall, a storm."

"That's great, Dru. Help me polish off a few of these idiots," Spike said, snapping the neck of the guy nearest him.

The mortals started parting in front of Spike but it wasn't Dru they fled. A hand shot out and Spike found himself lifted off his feet by his neck. He clamped his hands around the hand tightening on his throat trying to peel away the fingers. He looked down into the face of Ripper Giles and saw the demon looking back at him. Eyghon —Giles flung him away so hard Spike was embedded in the stuccoed walls.

Dru shrieked and ran, not for Spike or Eyghon-Giles, but for those who had summoned the demon. She grabbed Thomas and Phillip, crushing them together so hard bones broke.

"Need to get rid of the magic," she said then picked up Deirdre and planted her straight through the table.

Eyghon-Giles ignored his friend's peril, ducking as Telyn blasted Gavin out of a window. He peeled Spike out of the wall and rolled him on the floor. Spike got up and shook plaster out of his hair. He tried a roundhouse kick and nearly toppled over. He kicked off the shoes, blaming them. He jumped out of Eyghon-Giles grasp and tried the kick again. It was still off balanced and ineffectual. He realized his breasts screwed his center of gravity. He didn't know how to fight as a woman. He couldn't compensate correctly. Eyghon-Giles, on the other hand, knew exactly how to fight, Spike realized as he caught a kick in the gut. Dazed for a moment he saw Dru pinning Ethan to a wall ready to sink her fangs into him.

"Dru! Help!" He shouted, humiliated to have to do it. They needed to get out of here.

Dru rapped Ethan against the wall and let his unconscious body fall. She ran for Eyghon-Giles. The possessed young man reached down to haul Spike back up. Spike bit into that grasping hand. Eyghon-Giles yanked away, punching Spike in the face. He booted Spike in the jaw so hard Spike flew across the room. He plowed into Telyn who gazed out the window she had blasted her brother through.

"You stupid little vampire. How dare you touch me?" Telyn heaved Spike up by his hair. Blood was streaming down his face and he was too disoriented to do more than bat feebly at her.

"Only me and Miss Edith can hurt my baby!" Dru shrieked, sinking her nails into the flesh of Telyn's neck. "I'll make the stars scream for joy." Dru tore Telyn's head from her body. She whipped the head out the window and kicked the corpse for good measure. She bent down and picked up Spike. She started carrying him toward the door. Eyghon-Giles got in her way.

"Where are you two lovely bits of flesh going? I have plans for you," Eyghon-Giles said.   
Dru dumped Spike on the couch. "No time to play. My Spike needs his mummy."

Eyghon-Giles leered at the satin-clad vampire slumped on the couch." I can do her there but you ought to be first. I like my women a little on the feisty side."

Dru growled wordlessly and unleashed a hailstorm of fists and feet on Eyghon-Giles who matched her blow for blow. They turned into a flurry of fancy kicks, punches, bites and gouges. But he began to fatigue, his human form not used to such power being housed inside it. Dru took him down with a spin kick. She danced away and surveyed the room. She was the only one left standing. She picked Spike up.

"No time to finish them. Mummy has to make her boy all better," she cooed to the barely conscious Spike.

She carried him before Eyghon-Giles started coming around. While she welcomed a chance to finish him off, her dear Spike was hurt. She had to take care of him first. Gavin's car was locked but that presented little trouble for her. She put Spike in the front seat and went to look for the incubus. She found him trying to get up from where he had landed among the glass shards. She glanced up and saw Eyghon-Giles in the window.   
"Time to go before that bad boy starts feeling better," she said.

"I think my leg is broken. Can you give me a hand up?"

Dru hauled him up and carried Gavin back to the car. She dumped him the back seat and got behind the steering wheel.

"Keys," she said.

Gavin handed them over the seat. "Spike took a hell of a beating."

"So did you," Spike managed to muttered past his swollen lips. "Dru kicked ass."

"I have no doubt," Gavin said as Dru tromped down on the barefoot-shaped accelerator. “Did you kill my sister, Drusilla"?

"She was going to kill my Spike," Dru said, grinding gears as she drove badly away from the flat.

"I'm not complaining. It'll take a day or two for my bones to heal. And Drusilla, thank you," Gavin said.

She beamed at him.

"You're an incubus?" Spike asked.

"Yep."

"No sitting on Dru." Spike managed to grin.

"I'd rather sit on you but since neither of you have any life's breath it’s a moot point. That was one hell of a romp," Gavin whooped, slapping the vinyl seat.

"Glad you had fun. No basket as a reward —we got our asses kicked except for my dark beauty. You should have seen her, Gavin. And fuck all I'm still a woman," Spike moaned, spitting a clot of blood out the window. "I think that bastard kicked out a few of my teeth."

"They'll regrow and you'll be a man again sometime tomorrow once the spell wears off," Gavin said. "You might even be a man in time for Cleese rising."

"Hell, I almost forgot about that," Spike said, his head lolling on the head rest.

Gavin laughed.

"What’s funny?" Spike asked.

"Just imagining Cleese doing the ministry of silly walks skit in vampire face. Think we could get him to do it?" Gavin asked and giggled some more. "Drusilla, dear, drop me at my flat and you two can keep the car."

"Don't like the car," she said but she obeyed.

Dru carried Spike inside their home despite his protests. Once inside she stripped him, cleaned him up and tucked him into bed with Miss Edith. He didn't dare toss the doll out of bed. Dru slid into bed with him, bit her wrist and put it to his lips.

"Drink up for mummy."

"Don't need to baby me Dru," he said irritably but he drank anyhow and fell asleep in her arms.


	7. Sit on my face

Chapter 7: "Sit on my face"

Deirdre and Thomas helped Giles, Phillip and Ethan pack. They were all exhausted. Thomas's arm was broken. Eyghon had been sent back to where he belonged and with a lot of illusions they covered the broken window and disguised the dead bodies.

Despite fearing to, Giles had contacted his father and told him of a vampire attack at his flat. The Watchers Council helped move the disguised corpses and the place was scrubbed clean with magic. Telyn's body had turned into a purple mass that smelled of rotten eggs, cabbage and dead skunk.

The youths forced their fatigued bodies to their limits to pack and move out of the flat. They would skip out on the damaged doors, wall and windows but at least no one would know murders had taken place inside.

"I can't believe Telyn was a succubus," Ethan ventured his first words since the attack.

"I can't believe you tried to turn me into a woman then cast a love spell on me!" Giles snarled, shutting up the last box from his room.

"I was trying to cast it on Telyn," Ethan replied unapologetically. "Rather glad it didn't work in retrospect."

"I kissed you, you wanker! If it wasn't for Deirdre we'd have..." Giles let the thought trail off with a full body shudder.

"Get over it, Ripper," Ethan said with a little shudder of his own. "No one got hurt, well, not until Telyn started duking it out with vampires."

"Where to now?" Thomas asked, trying to redirect the conversation.

"Deirdre already got us a flat in her building. We can get this all in there by tomorrow," Giles said. "My father thinks were moving into a place near Oxford."

"Not going where the Watchers can watch us," Ethan said, making a face.

"None of us do but I needed to say I would to get the Watchers help with the bodies," Giles replied. "And then I'm going to kick your ass again, Ethan."

Ethan snorted. "You can try."

"Forget him, Ripper. I say you and I just go away for a long dirty weekend in Wales," Deirdre said, kissing Giles' cheek.

He smiled. "Sounds wonderful."

"Yeah, whoopee. What’s in Wales?" Ethan jeered.

Giles leaned over and gave Deirdre a more proper kiss. "Morfa Dyffryn."

"Huh?"

"Golden sand, clear water," Deirdre purred, running a hand up Giles thigh.

"And the best nude beach in all of Great Britain." Giles shot Ethan a superior smile.

XXX

Spike picked splinters from Dru's hair as they showered together. The wood was the remains of the kitchen table. They had broken it after making love in the bed, on the couch and floor had been tried. Dru still had rug burns on her knees and he was sure she had nearly scratched furrows in his back all the way to the bone.

Their lips met as warm water trickled over them removing the sticky remains of their exertions. Gavin had been wrong. Spike was still female when they collected the newly risen vampire John Cleese. Gavin was so star stuck he insisted Cleese go home with him. Dru had been disappointed but Spike reminded of her of the spell's expiration date. She decided having her boy back as a boy was more exciting than playing with her new son.   
Spike was more than glad to see Gavin and Cleese go. And he hadn't ever been happier in his life than when the bells tolled midnight and pain tore through his chest and groin. That was nothing to him. It meant the spell was reversing. He couldn't describe the joy of reaching down and feeling the two familiar globes of flesh between his legs.

He and Dru had been making almost constant use of his returned equipment ever since. Dru reached around him and turned off the water. She dried off and danced back toward the bed. He gently pushed her down on the mattress and she languidly stroked him.

"Dru, pet."

She smiled up at him. "Yes, my sweet star?"

"Sit on my face and tell me that you love me."


End file.
